Please, Just Let Diego Luna Touch Jabba the Hutt

The galaxy far, far away got a little bigger on Thursday, as Lucasfilm announced a second Star Wars live-action series for Disney’s forthcoming streaming service. (If anyone cares, Disney also announced it’s calling the streamer Disney+, which is a bad name.) In addition to Jon Favreau’s The Mandalorian, the studio is also producing a Cassian Andor–centric series, with Diego Luna reprising his role as the crafty Rebel spy from Rogue One.

There are two things we can infer from this announcement. One, this series is going to take place before Rogue One because—spoiler alert—Cassian dies on Scarif at the end of the movie. But most importantly, this series may ultimately be a multimillion-dollar quest by Diego Luna to caress the thicc, slimy frame of Jabba the Hutt.

Here’s some potentially scarring context: During Rogue One’s press tour at the end of 2016—an otherwise bland affair, as Lucasfilm made sure the actors described the film as vaguely as possible—Luna repeatedly expressed a sincere, somewhat alarming, somewhat sexual interest in Jabba the Hutt, the slug-like crime lord from the original Star Wars trilogy. I’ll let Diego Luna take it from here, with these very real quotes from multiple interviews:

  • “The texture … I’m very to curious to actually touch that texture.”
  • “I know it sounds gross but, it might be delicious.” (The “it” being Jabba’s essence, I guess.)
  • “The texture of his skin is just something that obsesses me.”
  • “The texture of Jabba is something I need to discover.”
  • “Haha … please …” (That was Luna’s response when an interviewer makes a joke that he’s only ever looking to date someone like Jabba.)

I don’t mean to kink-shame Luna; you just don’t expect an actor in a Star Wars movie to be like, “You remember that giant slug? Yeah, I want some of that.” Obviously, it’s the texture of Jabba—which by the way, Luna sometimes pronounces more like Yabba, which is quite endearing—that’s at the root of his interest. He wants to run his fingers through—do you run your fingers through it?—that amorphous blob; that thing whose sound is the literal result of Star Wars sound designer Ben Burtt running his fingers through a cheese casserole.

Perhaps this Cassian Andor series is the solution. Sure, doing more Star Wars content is a financially smart move, but I have to believe Jabba—and the renewed opportunity to caress him—was a deciding factor. I can’t imagine Jabba didn’t come up during negotiations, and I’m certain it is now in Diego’s contract that his character get an opportunity to cross paths with—and potentially gently rub against—Jabba the Hutt. Or at least another Hutt, since the villain’s just one member of a slug-like alien race; all of the Hutts’ textures should be analogous. (Lucasfilm did not respond to inquiries about whether Diego Luna would be allowed to touch Jabba the Hutt.)

Touching Jabba the Hutt means a lot to Diego Luna—I hope Lucasfilm doesn’t let him down, even if it means only giving Jabba a cameo. It works within the timeline: If the show is taking place before Rogue One, that’s well before Jabba died in Return of the Jedi. In fact, I already have a vague outline for how this might work.

INT. JABBA’S PALACE

The Rebel spy Cassian Andor wakes up. He’s chained to a wall. He doesn’t remember how he got there, but his gun is missing. Cassian hears something approaching—not footsteps, but something.

CASSIAN: What is this? Where am I? If you’re with the Empire, good luck getting me to talk.

JABBA THE HUTT: [In Huttese] EY TOOTA ME MISHKA DAH PRONTA MA, CASSIAN ANDOR DOOSKA REBEL ALLIANCE.

[Translation: I’ve finally found you, Cassian Andor of the Rebel Alliance.]

CASSIAN: … What … What are you doing?

JABBA THE HUTT: [In Huttese] NE BARGO COPA TO CHASA EMPIRE CHA TATOOINE. CHEECHEE TOOWA, CASSIAN, YO CAN TA BANTHA POODOO.

[Translation: You’ve brought Empire attention to Tatooine. Because of this, Cassian, you’re Bantha poodoo.]

Jabba, a bit of drool dripping from the bottom-right corner of his gaping maw, extends his slug hand and presses it against Cassian’s face. Jabba moves his hand down toward Cassian’s chest, leaving a trail of slime on the Rebel spy. Cassian’s face evokes terror, curiosity, and—excitement. He’s … into it?

CASSIAN: The … the texture … of your skin.

Sorry, I’ve been informed I’m going to be fired if I write another word of this. But Lucasfilm, seriously: Let Diego Luna touch Jabba the Hutt.

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